Tree Hugger
by Canadian Phil
Summary: VIVA LA BAM. Building a treehouse...Friend or Foe? You be the judge. SLASH.


The CKY crew had just decided to build a tree house. Not a casino, this time; but a tree house, like little kids have. The five men plus Novak, Glomb, Phil and Don Vito stood on the ground, using a scrap piece of 2 X 4 to sketch out their plans for the door.

"How would that work, Raab? You'd need one of those metal things with the bumpy...wavy things." Brandon said to Raab.

"Huh? What bumpy wavy thing?"

"That thing! It holds stuff in place, like wheels and shit."

"A bolt?"

"That's not it."

"A screw?"

"A Screw? What? Are you retarded?" By this point all of the guys were looking at each other and shrugging, not understanding DiCo at all.

"Well your description could be better!" Raab yelled, frustrated.

"IT'S A METAL BUMPY WAVY THING! IT HOLDS WHEELS ONTO…WHEEL…THINGS!"

"A nut?"

"Of course! An almond, how could I be so stupid?" Brandon rolled his eyes. Brandon drew a quick picture of it. "One of these."

"An R?" Raab questioned.

"It's called a cotter pin, dipshit." Glomb said while everyone laughed.

"A cotter pin? What a fucked up name. That makes no sense." Brandon said, blushing.

"Yeah, because metal bumpy wavy thing is SOOOO much better." Raab mocked, lisping his S's and DiCo bunched him in the shoulder.

"Oooooow." Raab pouted.

A couple hours later, the cranes were putting the floor of the abode into a tall oak that stood about 1000 or so yards from the edge of the forest. April and Jenn had joined them, watching the construction take place and handing out some fresh lemonade. That was April for you, always thinking and always caring, no matter how many cars or houses got blown up and destroyed.

"That's a lot of wood. We almost have enough for two of them." Glomb commented.

The house was slowly but surely taking shape. The walls slid into place, the roof was carefully placed on top then screwed and nailed down. It was like a miniature house wedged up in the tree; there were windows, a front and back door and even a little porch. When the last nail had been driven and the last rung on the ladder had been screwed into the tree, everyone went back to the house for a celebratory drink. As they were walking back, the sky was starting to change colors. Brandon looked up at the firmament and smiled to himself. He had always loved sunsets and would often stare out his bedroom window at them. They arrived at the house and everyone headed down to the pirate bar.

"Here's to the tree house!" Bam raised his bottle of Budweiser and everyone else followed suit, clinking their bottles together and cheering. After they had all had a few beers, everyone went their separate ways. They knew that the MTV camera crews would be back the next day to film more antics by the crew.

"Shit! I've got to go guys, Angie wants me to drive her to the airport." Ryan groaned, downing the rest of his beer while everyone said goodbye.

"See ya, Dunn."

"Bye."

"Tell her I said Hi!"

"Has anyone seen my shoe?" Raab randomly commented.

"You mean the one on your foot?" April asked him. Raab glared at her and shook his head.

"I thought I saw Captain chewing on a shoe earlier, maybe it's yours." Jenn commented. Raab groaned and ran off to find the Boxer and his misplaced shoe.

"CAAAAPPPPTAINNNNNN!" Raab called out from down the hall. Everyone else started laughing, knowing Captain wasn't going to give him back that shoe; and after the dog was done with it, Chris wouldn't want it back anyways.

"I'd better get going. I gotta work tomorrow." Rake said, stifling a yawn.

"Work, pffff." Novak said, under his breath.

"I goa go too. Hootersah havin sale on chikn fwings. Can't missat."

"See ya Vito!" Phil called out his brother.

"I'm going home too. My buzz saw has just completely vanished and I can't sleep at night if I don't find it." Glomb said, a heavy sadness dripping foolishly from his face.

"Men and their tools…figures." Jenn smiled, kissed Bam and went up to bed, calling for the dog.

"GIVE ME MY FUCKING SHOOOOE!" Captain went streaking through the room, smiling while his jowls slapped and foamed all over the waterlogged sneaker with Raab in tow, hobbling on his shoeless foot.

"I'd better get some shut eye myself." Bam said, winking to DiCo. April and Phil had retired to their rooms, leaving Brandon sitting alone, drinking.

"Got my shoe!" Raab said, triumphantly as he held up the sopping mess.

"Uh, Ew. You aren't seriously going to put that thing back on your foot, are you?" Brandon looked at his friend with a disgusted sneer on his face. Raab looked at the shoe and pouted.

"Stupid dog. YOUR MOTHER WAS A SHITH ZHU!" Raab screamed. DiCo burst out laughing as Chris tossed his shoe out the window and sat on a stool, his forehead crumpled and a beer in his hand. He took a long sip and stared at his shoeless foot.

Brandon stared out the window. It was now pitch black and he was bored. There was no point in going to sleep; he'd just lie in his bed for hours, watching his ceiling fan spin in slow, consistent circles.

"Fuck this, I'm going for a walk." Brandon said, grabbing a few beers and stuffing them into the pockets of his baggy cargo pants.

"I'll come with you. I'm bored."

"But what about your shoe?"

"It was sort of sunny today, the ground should be dry."

"Raab, it rained until 1 in the afternoon."

"Well I didn't wake up until 2:30, so I didn't know that, did I?" Bran shook his head and opened the sliding back door with Raab on his heels. They walked silently for about 5 minutes, and reached the edge of the forest.

"Dude, lets go check out that tree house." Raab remarked, his eyes shimmering with an excited sparkle.

"Yeah, sounds cool." Brandon pulled a beer out from his right pocket and opened it, swallowing a large mouthful of the liquor and walked into the mass of trees. Bran heard an odd 'squoosh' sound.

"Awww man! Watch it…there's a mud puddle right here." Raab wrinkled his nose and looked at his muck covered sock.

"Told you so!"

"Fuck you."

Brandon smiled to himself, taking another sip of his beer and feeling slightly inebriated. The twosome finally reached the tree house. It lacked beauty, but made up for it with pure craftsmanship. DiCo stopped in front of it and just stared, listening to the slopping of Raab trudging through the mud behind him. Brandon tossed his empty beer bottle aside and started ascending the ladder.

Brandon climbed into the house and found it surprisingly cold inside. He took the three beers out of his pockets and set them in the back corner of the room.

"Unh!" Raab pulled himself up into the shelter and sat against the wall. "Look at my fucking sock…it looks like I just pulled it out of Rake's ass or something." Brandon chuckled and opened another beer, tossing one over to Raab. They both sat drinking, not really knowing what to say.

"Is it me or is it cold up here?" Brandon said.

"You're cold?! You're at least wearing a fucking sweater and 2 shoes." Raab commented, looking down at his bare arms.

"Well, I don't really like the left one, but I could only buy them in pairs."

Raab tossed his head back and laughed. DiCo just smiled. He always loved making other people laugh, even if his jokes weren't always funny.

"You should have been a comedian, dude. You can be fucking hilarious."

"It's only because I'm drunk." Brandon laughed. "When I'm sober, I'm about as funny as Ashton Kutcher." This sent Raab into fit of hysteria. He was rolling on the ground, choking from laughing so hard, and Brandon couldn't help but express his amusement.

"I can't breathe!" Raab gasped.

"I don't know CPR, so you'd better either stop giggling like a school girl or call 911 now." Brandon smirked and cracked open the last beer. Raab sat up in front of Bran, gasping for air and rubbing his cheeks.

"God, my face hurts from laughing." Raab snatched the beer out of DiCo's hand and took a long sip. He handed it back to the humorist and sighed. The two guys sat staring at the floor for what seemed like minutes. Or was it hours? Both of them were too drunk to think, let alone try to tell time.

"Bran?"

"Hm."

"Whatever happened to that chick you were fucking?"

"Your mom? She's probably asleep right now, dreaming of me." Raab threw a bottle cap at him.

"No, that brunette chick, the one with the nice ass."

"Your sister?"

"Bran."

"No, wait, your cousin?"

"BRAN!"

"Ohhh! You mean your Aunt…what was her name…Carol?" Brandon grinned, knowing he was getting under Raab's skin.

"UGHH!" Raab hurled himself at DiCo, smashing his own head against the wall of the tree house. "FUCK!"

"Shit dude, you ok?"

"I think I broke my skull bone."

"I'm sure you didn't." Brandon laughed at how childish he sounded. Bran checked Raab's head, just to make sure. "You might have a lump the size of a grapefruit on your head tomorrow…but it's not broken." Raab leaned his head against Bran's knee.

"So what really happened with you two? You guys seemed ok together."

Brandon shrugged. "Just didn't work out, you know how it is. I'm too sexy for most chicks to handle. She just got overloaded with my studdlyness." Raab smiled, sadly.

"You really need to get laid." Raab laughed.

"You need to go to AA." Bran replied.

"Touché."

They sat for another few minutes, Brandon absentmindedly stroking Raab's soft, dirty blonde hair.

"She was a whore." DiCo said, seemingly out of the blue.

"Who was?"

"Your mother of course. No, Trish, the brunette with the ass."

"Cheated on you?"

"Remember that little above ground pool I used to have in my backyard?"

"The one that got burnt during that party?"

"The last thing I wanted was some other dudes sperm swimming around in my fucking pool."

Raab looked at him sympathetically. "Ew." He said, sadly. His heart went out to Brandon. They were close friends and Raab knew that Brandon could be a little clingy and dependent on people. His life had never been the best, but he had always made the most of it. Brandon was looking out the square window, which was just a hole in the wall at the moment.

"Bran?" Raab asked.

"What." Brandon's voiced cracked a bit.

"I'm real sorry."

"Don't be."

"But I am."

"I'll live." Brandon's voice was quivering. Raab sat up and frowned sorrowfully at him.

"You don't really deserve to be treated like shit."

"You don't know that." Brandon's eyes were damp now as he stared out into the woods.

"Bran, seriously. You're a great guy, you always have been, and you deserve someone a lot better then some slut."

Brandon shook his head, the tears spilling over carefully. He turned his head even more to make sure Raab couldn't see him cry. Brandon never cried. It wasn't funny to cry, so why bother? His shoulders started to shake gently with each sob. Raab's eyes started to well up. He'd never seen DiCo cry like this before. He wrapped an arm around Brandon's shoulders and another one around his waist. Raab leaned his head on Bran's shoulder and just held him. Brandon's face grew hot with shame; crying was for little girls. He had no business doing it.

"It's ok Deec. Do you want me to shoot her for you?" Raab tried to make light of the situation. Brandon was unphased. "I can call my mom if you want. I don't think she's doing anything tomorrow."

"I'm good." Brandon smiled, still not meeting Raab's eyes.

Chris' eyes shed a few tears that cascaded down his cheek. One hit Brandon's hand, and he looked at Raab. Raab sniffled.

"Sorry."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you sorry?"

"I cried on you."

"At least you didn't piss on me." Brandon smiled and Raab laughed. The two men stared at each other; neither one of them so much as blinked, yet both kept crying.

"Bran?"

Brandon couldn't speak.

"I love you." Raab whispered, slowly moving his lips towards Brandon's cheek, kissing his tears gently.

Brandon's body went stiff, his heart started beating irregularly, his breath got short but the tears kept flowing. Raab kissed Brandon's eyelids and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Brandon still couldn't move.

"God I'm fucking in love with you." Raab whispered. Brandon regained his composure and ran his hand through is friend's hair. They looked at each other and slowly inched their faces even closer. Raab let out a quivery breath and their lips touched. Brandon took a sharp breath in as Chris gently pried his tongue into DiCo's mouth.

"Illmurfoo." Raab mumbled. Brandon pulled away from him.

"Wh-what?" He asked. Out of breath.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Brandon's eyes and cheeks shone with tears again as the new lovers explored each other.

DiCo turned his body so that he wouldn't have to crane his neck so much. Raab shuffled his body so that he was sitting between Brandon's legs. The two sets of sodden eyes met each other again and Raab gently placed his right hand onto Bran's cheek, kissing him deeply. Brandon shifted his body again until he was lying down on the floorboards with Raab gently resting on top of him.

"Mhhhh." Brandon moaned so softly that it was barely audible. Raab tenderly kissed at his neck. The guys were still crying, unsure of why, but certain that what they were doing was right. Raab looked back into Brandon's eyes.

"B?"

"Wha?"

"Promise me something?"

"Promise you what."

"Promise me that you'll always be here for me."

Brandon's eyes were now dry, and they searched the blonde's damp ones. He took Raab's hands and held them on his heart.

"I promise I will be here for you as long as I live and breathe." DiCo kissed the boy soothingly and released his hands from his grasp. "Your hands are like fucking ice." He said, completely steering the mood in the other direction. "Sit up."

"If you think my hands are cold, you should feel my fucking foot."

"I'll pass, thanks." Brandon smiled as he sat up and took off his sweater. He shivered as the cool air blew through his t-shirt. Bran took his sweater and slipped it over Raab's head, helping to pull Chris' arms through. Bran smiled to himself as he pulled his friend close to him, protecting him from the bitterness of the winds. They lay down together, Raab intertwined in Brandon's arms, their bodies pressed solidly together. Raab started laughing.

"What?"

"I was just thinking…what would Bam say if he saw us like this?"

"That we're gay."

Raab laughed again, then stopped suddenly.

"What if Bam DID see us?"

"Then I'll have to tell him about the time I saw HIM and a certain someone." Brandon smirked as Raab sat up as fast as he could.

"Hey-" Bran started.

"Oh my god who was it?"

"Come the fuck back here and maybe I'll tell you. I'm freezing for fuck sakes. Bad enough you stole my sweater." Bran stuck out his lower lip and Chris lay back in his arms.

"You gave it to me."

"You were freezing. I'm not having you die of hypothermia."

"You want it back?"

"No, I'm good."

"Who was it?"

Brandon said, calmly, "No one, really."

"BRANDON FUCKING DICAMILLO TELL ME!" Brandon jumped in surprise.

"Wanna try guessing, first?"

"Was it you?"

"What? No."

"Tell me."

"Guess."

"Was it Jesus? It was Jesus wasn't it? That's how he can get away with all the shit he does. He's fucking Jesus." It was Brandon's turn to laugh as he pulled Raab closer into him.

"Not quite. This guy's a little less…holy, or Mexican, depending on how you read things…"

"Huh?"

"Never mind."

Raab pressed his hips back into DiCo's, causing Brandon to twitch.

"Ok, fine, I'll tell you. Yeesh." Brandon gave Raab's neck a quick kiss. "It was Ville."

"VILLE?!" Raab shrieked.

"Shhh! God, you'll wake up Satan with that screech, my god.

"Holy shit. What were they doing? Just making out on the couch or something?" Raab asked, intrigued.

Brandon told Raab to close his eyes as he started describing what he had seen. He had remembered everything in strict detail; Bam's facial expressions when Ville entered him, Ville's whimperings when Bam nibbled his earlobes, the way their two bodies had molded into one, over come with passion, love, and devotion. Brandon was whispering hoarsely into Raab's ear by the end of his story. He didn't notice, but he had been grinding himself into Raab almost the entire time.

"DiCo…"

"Mr. Himself?"

Chris twisted around and pressed his lips against Brandon's again. The two made love to each other's mouths for what seemed like only minutes, but what were really hours. They finally fell into a drunken state of slumber in each other's arms.

The sun had slowly started to rise, brightening up the morning, casting shadows and warming the air. The couple lay spooning in the tree house, Brandon's arm protectively wrapped around Raab's waist, his hand up the sweater in an attempt to keep it warm. Raab's hands were under his head, using them as a makeshift pillow. Brandon closed his eyes and rubbed his nose along the nape of Raab's neck, kissing him gently. Raab stirred and leaned into his new lover, pulling the blanket up around his neck. Blanket?

"Where the fuck did that come from?" Brandon asked himself. "We didn't bring one up here, did we?"

"Raabie…you have any idea where this blanket came from?"

"Mmm? What blanket?"

"The one that's on top of you."

"That's your arm, dipshit."

"Open your god damn eyes." Brandon started to get frantic. Had someone seen them? What time was it? He didn't have his cell phone with him, and Raab wasn't wearing a watch.

"Whoa, fuck. Where did that come from?"

"I just asked you that."

"Mph, who cares, just go back to sleep."

"I care, Raab. Someone was up here."

"It was my mom, happy? Go to sleep."

Brandon's brow furrowed with worry and his cheeks burned faintly with shame. He saw a small piece of paper, an envelope, attached to the wall with some masking tape. He ripped it open and read the note inside.

_Dear Fuckers,_

_Don't get semen on my fucking quilt._

_Love, Rake._

Brandon sat in shock. Rake did this? He must have done it before he went to work. Bran knew Rake never really had a problem with gay people; none of the crew did, so DiCo knew he was safe there. Rake and Brandon had been friends for a long time, so Brandon knew everything would be ok; nonetheless his hands still shook as he put the note in front of Raab's face.

"Read this."

Raab was still too tired to open his eyes. "Dear Mr. Raab, we are pleased to inform you that your new book 'Alcoholics Are People Too' has just made its successful journey to #1 on the New York Times Best-"

"RAAB! I'm fucking serious." Panic struck Brandon's voice and Raab finally opened his eyes and read the note aloud.

"Dear Fuckers, don't get semen on my fucking quilt - What the fuck? – Love…RAKE?!" Raab stared at the note in disbelief. He shook his head and glanced back at Brandon, who looked like he was going to throw up.

"I feel nauseous."

"But didn't you see this right here? He says we make a cute couple." Raab smiled at him, his face beaming with pride.

"He thinks we're gay."

"I guess we're sort of gay."

"I'm not gay."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not gay!" Brandon yelled, clearly shaken by the fact that someone knew their newly found secret. Raab smiled and kissed Bran genuinely.

"You're a little gay."

Brandon grinned. "Well, maybe just a little gay."

"Good boy." Raab whispered, kissing him again. Brandon lovingly kissed him back and ran his hands under his sweater. "Excuse me-"

"Relax, I'm still fucking freezing." Brandon smiled. "Sweater stealer."

Raab stopped kissing him and glared.

"What?" Brandon said innocently.

Raab pounced on top of him, the duo rolled around on the floor, wrestling, laughing and competing with each other.

"What the fuck are you two doing here?" A voice behind them said.

The boys sat up with a shot. "Nothing." They both chorused.

Glomb stood on the ladder, his head poking through the hole.

"Where have you guys been? Everyone's looking for you." Glomb said, worriedly.

"They up there, Tim?" Dunn's voice drifted from outside.

"YEAH! CALL OFF THE SEARCH!" Glomb yelled down to him. "The camera crew's not coming today but they'll be here next week sometime. Something about a lawsuit? I don't know. So what are you two doing alone in the tree house?" Tim's eyes sparkled.

"We were seeing if we could see the house from here."

"We were looking for Raab's shoe." Brandon and Raab said, at the same time.

Glomb didn't look convinced, but shook it off anyways. He was pretty sure he knew what was going on, but he didn't want to spoil it for the guys; there was no fun in that.

"Have fun kids." Glomb smiled and climbed down the ladder, chasing after Ryan.

Brandon and Chris looked at each other, wide-eyed and short of breath.

"Oh my god. We almost got caught." Raab said.

"No shit." 

"What are we gonna do?"

"Get out of here, obviously."

"Where should we go?"

"FUCK, I don't know. Canada, maybe."

"Canada?" Raab laughed. "Why Canada?"

"Canadians love gay people. Even people who are a just a little gay." Brandon smiled and leaned his head on his lovers shoulder.

"Well let's go then."

"You sound like Bam. I can't just get up and leave."

"Fine then." Raab said, cockily as he jumped up and pulled DiCo to his feet.

"What are you doing?"

"If you won't get up and leave, I'll pull you up and drag you there."

"I was JOKING. I don't want to go to Canada!"

"But I like snow…" Raab moped and Brandon sighed. He didn't bother explaining. It would have taken forever. "Please Bran? I haven't been to Canada yet."

"Yes you have."

"No I haven't."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

The twosome looked intently at each other and finally Brandon gave in.

"FINE. We'll go on a little road trip to fucking Canada." Brandon said, brazenly.

"YESSSS!" Raab jumped into Brandon, sending them flying across the room.

"On one condition." Bran added with a smirk.

"Sure. What's that?"

"You have to find some sort of excuse to go to Canada, tell Bam, and somehow make sure he doesn't follow us there."

Raab pondered for a moment.

"How about we just go to Philly?"

"Sounds good. Go pack your shit; I'll talk to everyone. Which one of your cousin's lives in Philly?"

"I think her name's Tiffany, but I'm not a hundred percent positive."

"That's a strippers name."

"Welcome to my world."

Brandon jammed Rake's note into his pocket, then they grabbed Rake's precious quilt, descended down the tree and started back towards the house. Brandon had NO idea what he was going to tell the guys. They'd find it awfully suspicious if they just got up and left. What if he said Raab's cousin died? Nah, that wouldn't work. Ape would tag along. God, he needed an excuse, FAST. He watched Raab limp through the muck, stumbling and cursing under his breath. It took all the will that Brandon had to not tackle him and invade his oral cavity with his tongue.

"Bran?" Raab whimpered.

"Yeah?"

"Will you carry me? I think my foot has frostbite or something."

Brandon shook his head and smiled as Raab playfully leapt up onto his back. DiCo wrapped his arms around Chris' legs, holding him in place as they reached the edge of the forest. Brandon set Raab down on the ground, wrapped the blanket around his neck like a cape and walked the few minutes back to the house.

"MY SHOE!" Raab smiled and held it up triumphantly. He looked at the shoe again and the smile fell from his face. There were about 7 holes in them now and there was still foamy drool inside of them. Raab wrinkled his nose and looked at DiCo.

"Sorry, but that's fucking hilarious." Brandon chuckled and ducked as the saliva filled shoe was hurled at his head. The guys laughed as they walked inside the house.

"Where were you two this morning? You missed breakfast and lunch. Raab, you never miss lunch." April asked, concerned.

"We passed out in the tree house-" Raab started.

"After we found Raab's shoe." Brandon concluded.

April gave them a perplexed look and shook her head. She wasn't going to ask questions. It would just lead to bad things, and she had just gotten her car painted orange. There was no way she was going to risk that.

"Yo, Ape! Yur son's gone all mennal agin!" Don Vito's voice drifted into the kitchen.

"DICO, RAAB! WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO! COME WITH US!" Dunn started shouting into their ears. The guys cringed and started laughing.

"Why are you going to Mexico?"

"We want to go swimming."

"So you're going all the way to MEXICO?" Brandon asked.

"Where else would we go?" Bam smiled and wrapped his arms around his friends. "LETS GO!"

"I'm good. I stay away from Mexicans. Those bastards are messed up." DiCo joked.

"Shit, I can't go either. My cousin has that wedding thing." Raab said, convincingly.

"You have a cousin?" Novak asked.

"Yeah, Tiffany, why?"

"Is she hot?"

"She's getting married."

"That's not what I asked, sweetheart." Novak smirked.

Raab rolled his eyes and trudged upstairs to take a shower. Bam and the rest of the crew, minus Raab, DiCo and Rake, who was still at work, grabbed a few articles of clothing and headed out the door. Don Vito mumbled and complained; just knowing they'd have some ridiculous plan to piss him off again. They always did.

"Ape, Phil, aren't you guys going?"

"I'm done with Mexico. I'm just going to stay at home, relax and try not to worry about what crazy junk they're doing down there." April said, relieved.

"DiCo, you want to come to Philly?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"You mean I get the whole house to myself?" April said, surprised.

"What about me?" Phil commented.

"You guys can have the house, I guess. I don't know if Bam's planning some shit or what. We're off to Philly." Brandon gave April a quick, bone-crushing hug, and then scampered out the door to start the car while Raab ran upstairs to pack a couple bags.

Phil and Ape looked at each other and shrugged. April went to take a bath and Phil went to make a sandwich. It was going to be a pleasant day. Raab came thundering down the stairs, yelling goodbye to his second set of parents. He quickly opened the door, slammed it behind him and dove into the car with Brandon.

"I can't believe how well this worked out!" Raab squealed, leaning into Bran and kissing at his neck.

"Fuck, that was amazing!" Brandon beamed and looked at his soft haired friend. "I love you Raabie."

"I love you too, DiCo."

_Where when I hear her, I can see her,  
I can smell her sweet perfume,  
I can feel her skin against me when I sleep,  
Where I won't miss her, I can kiss her,  
Anytime that I want to,  
Yeah that's right where I need to be._


End file.
